I spent a great deal of time gazing up at the mountains on my recent trip home. There are small details you lose, living away, like how shreds of white cloud caress the mountains up, stroking in between the trees towards the grey sky. The way woods sound, or don’t. The desolation of fields of broken lava rock, blanketed by lichen, edged by forest but barren where the fire flowed.
I think the socio-romantic lesson I need to take away from my life right now is that it is useless to be upset about the way other people choose to handle things, even if you perceive it as disrespectful to yourself. The more I come to explore the nuances of consent and choice, the less I feel I have a right to dictate others’ reactions. So, while I might not appreciate how someone reacts - or fails to communicate - my displeasure doesn’t necessarily dictate a different manner of being. Even if they made choices callously, that’s still their decision.
Still, I can be frustrated, and angry - that’s my choice. Though I’d prefer not to waste time and energy, I can feel it in order to let it pass through. And it can be my decision to give someone a well-deserved snub, though afterward I might feel a confusing mix of triumphant and kind of terrible.
There are a couple different situations that have provoked these thoughts. My romantic pursuits seem to have some pretty awful cyclical patterns, so I am trying to change my own thinking in order to perhaps avoid whatever commonalities provoke this cycle.
I feel like if I can take away some growth regarding my own reactions to bad situations, I will have Done Something With My Summer. I’m learning to step outside my own sometimes somewhat histronic reactions. It’s also a good note to leave Vancouver on; I’ve been crossed in love so many damn times here that I feel like this cycle needs to be drastically broken, and my leaving will do that.
I leave for nine months in Mexico on September 27, with the strong possibility of European adventures right after so that I may not be back in Vancouver for a year or so. Who will I be when I return? I would like it to be someone who cares less about unreplied-to-texts.