Sometimes, when you doubt yourself, a best friend will be there with whiskey and pizza and Boy Problems and you will go to where one of her boyfriends is playing in a Local Band sponsored by a Local Magazine and smoke clove cigarettes with her until nothing interesting happens and you get on your bikes again.

And then another good friend will show up on a Tall Bike at the 24 hour pizza joint and you will know your destiny is to be the lady who has friends on tall bikes show up at 1:45 am at East Van 24 hour pizza joints, and you will feel OK about your place in the world.

Tonight I glow hooped like an incredible boss at a huge cycle rave event my friends threw that went around the seawall and through Stanley Park. It was amazing, I had a great time and remembered all the reasons why I and those closest to me rule. I feel so happy and totally done for the night. The rain is singing me to sleep and I am so ready to go - it’s been a long, adventurous evening.

this is why we fight.

i’ve had a year of ups and downs. usually fall feels like the renewal of the year for me, the beginning, all bouquets of dying leaves and cold winds threatening to storm down from the mountain range.

i’ve managed to rid myself of some things, trimmed the vestigial from my reasons for living. i have plans, big ones, and the sadnesses that hold me back must be left behind.

something that is so plain in my mind here, as the year dies, is to never take love for granted. i am going tonight to my friends’ house, good friends, friends of my heart, with other friends, and i love all of them, as they love me, and that is no little thing. one significant friend is far, far away, and i miss her, but i know we are sending each other love across our big, tiny globe, and that is no small thing either. i have a happy, healthy family who enjoys each other, who spends time and eats well and makes merry. i have no one to kiss with hearts’ gladness at the breaking of 2011, except those friends, and i’m realizing i’m happy about it. the whereabouts of the person i’m currently sharing my body with i actually have no idea, and mind even less. i’ll be standing where i will, my feet in the earth and my heart firmly in my chest, sparkles on my eyelids, a smile on my face, a drink, or a smoke, or both in my hands, perhaps a hoop on my hips, my mind on my present loves and the happinesses my fingers so firmly pull towards me. 2010 was a year of denial, of learning, of finally settling into my own outlines. i understood how to say no in 2010. i hurt, but i showed my mettle. i am waiting to pluck you, new year, to shatter your supple skin with my sharp teeth, to hear you gasp as i swallow.